When one is gone, there are others to take their place.....

Sounds kinda scary huh? It can be. In death you lose a friend or loved one, and of course nobody can take their place. In losing a friend, if it's cause they weren't a good friend, or good for you, you can replace them. In relationships, when they fail, you can replace them. And today the topic is relationship and friend. In a relationship, usually that person is your friend. One of your best friends. When you lose them either by choice or their choice, it's kinda like a death. But not exactly cause you know you'll see them again, either in passing or around possibly at the same place. When there's family involved, you know you'll eventually "hear" of what they're doing or done. Sometimes you have a friend, male let's say, that you've already been through hell and marriage and divorce with, or one could change that around to marriage, hell, and then divorce. After the divorce you hate each other for a little while, then work your way back to getting along, then somehow things just fall into place where you, him/her, family, start doing alot of things together. Trips, eating out, eating together, doing alot of things together with no pressures. No committments. Not even mentioning the word date or relationship. And this goes on for almost 3 years. One of these people just assume's the other is happy with that, and that there is some feelings there for the other one. Words unspoken sometimes are the best .... I thought. And not only being there for that person AND their children, doesn't count worth squat I have also found out. So, let it be a lesson to all. Words unspoken sometimes are the worse when I thought it was the best. When I thought everything was fine, since no pressures were being put on, no expectations except to be respected, and not asking for a commitment, nope. Never assume. I always try to tell myself that with every other situation. Why not this one? Why NOT this one? I guess I thought that one doesn't spend time with someone unless they enjoyed being with that person. I know I wouldn't. And until recently, never thought the only reason was out of "obligation". hummm, obligation. For almost 3 years? When this person is calling you, making plans with you, asking you to do things, calling just to say, "what cha doing?" All that too is out of obligation? Needless to say, I was pretty blown away when I was told that the reason why my ex, which was also my friend, and all this came out of the blue too, informed me that he didn't need to "lead" me on anymore, that there haven't been any feelings for me and WOULDN'T be any and he just didn't want to be the bad guy and that's why he hadn't told me this before. And mind you just over the 4th, we were all at the beach together, at his suggestion. well. Don't you know that was a nice thing to hear while I was getting ready for work? And just wham! out of the blue. My friends that I have confided in  all think there's another woman involved. Whether there's one he is seeing or wants to see, or talking too, whatever, which of course that's one of the first things he brought up quickly to deny and say that's not why. He has really actually never been the bad guy. He is a good guy. Doesn't want to hurt anyone or let them down. I guess this is one reason why this is ... I don't even know how to describe what I am feeling. Shocked, bewildered, left with my mouth hanging open saying WTH?. And I didn't mistake what he was saying because I stated to him several times, that I couldn't believe he didn't have any feelings for me for the last 3 years that we've been doing things together and if he didn't why didn't he tell me alot sooner. So getting back to "never assume". Never assume you mean something to someone just because they're spending time with you and calling you and sometimes even being intimate. It could be out of obligation or just loneliness on their part cause you're there and feeling in that empty space when they have obviously nothing else to do. I am shocked. I am mad. I am hurt. No, I didn't want to get back together with him. Not now. Maybe if things had kept going well for us, maybe in a few years when it was just me and him left after children had finished high school and gone on to college, etc. I did think if all went well, maybe then we would discuss "us" and getting back together like a married couple again. But I never even spoke that to him. I didn't want to give him any pressures, and I felt like he would feel that was pressure. So, I have also lost a friend. I get to go through all that again, like when we divorced. Except not as bad. No, not nearly as bad. I am at a place in my life, where things are much better for me since divorcing. I don't have a need or time for pressures either in my life. To much going on. Work, my grown children, my grandchildren, and me trying to make time for myself also. That's one reason why I was comfortable with us the way it was. No expectations. Things like this is what hardens a person's heart more against the one's out there that might care. Cause who likes to go through all this let down and hurt over and over. I'm to old for this!


So, I go on. Get used to not having him around to feel in the gap.  To do things with. And open the door to someone else that might care some about me. That won't be with me out of obligation. And hope and pray to GOD that they certainly won't spend time with me and lead me on to make me thing they care and then drop the bomb that they never have and never will. So, if it happens, it happens. If it don't, then it don't. I certainly am not going to sit around and mope over it. Been there, done that. Don't want to go there again. I'm a much stronger person for going through that loss once before. This time since I had no real expectations, I'll deal with this much better. I hope. We can always hope can't we?