those we leave behind....

Tonight I am reflecting, a little sadly, well, I'll be honest, alot sadly. There's been so much that's gone on in the last couple of months. Some things that really threw me for a loop, just came out of the blue, for no reason towards me, that if I let it, would have totally destroyed me. And due to all of this, I now know that the past almost 14 years of my life was just the biggest farce it could ever have been. I now know I was totally used and just was there to help take responsibility on the financial side of it and just a body being there. I am not talking about my children or my side of the family. I am talking about the family I accepted with open arms, and a committment that I took to heart and seriously. I am talking about the people I protected and would have given my life for that now I know I was just a body. Even after my marriage was over, and even after that with still family ties, and all, when those ties were severed with the man I called my husband, whom I always held the upmost respect for even after being divorced, because of conceit on his part, big head, or whatever to think that I am still pineing after him, that's the only explanation I have for the results of what has transpired now. I had finally after years reached the point of no love for this man, just glad we could carry on a conversation, be friends, as friends could be after being divorced and finally even more after that. I moved on with another, he moved on with several anothers. I never saw it coming. The lies, the backstabbing, the gossip, the cold look in someone's eyes of fear that showed me that he had to stick by her side no matter what controlling personality she has. At some times, I never thought I would be able to move past this man. I never thought I'd get him out of my system. (don't know why, cause I never got out of him what I needed even being married to him) but I did. And oh what a relief it was. I could actually talk to him and he would actually come out and help me with little things when I was over to feed the horses. 
And then one night, all the truth really came out how cruel people can be. People you thought you knew and cared about you, and strangers you never met or had ever had any contact with, cruelty is a evil, evil thing. I won't go into detail, but let's just say, it wasn't pretty, or me that started anything, but I found out in one night how these people that I thought cared about me, have cared really nothing at all about me.

 I've had to move my horse an hour away so now I feel like I've lost him too, after 14 years of seeing him everyday and getting that comfort, it's now gone too. But I had too to get myself out of a situation that might could have escaulated into another bad situation. I have a thumbs up to that was a wise decision on my part and a big move.

 I've been aliented from the children I raised and was there for, to not even being invited to one's wedding, that I had offered my services to in case they needed any extra help, and not invited to the high school graduation of 2 that I raised from age 5. Not one phone call from the children. I guess they are just believing the lies, or who am I kidding...they never really cared or they'd be showing love instead of hate. And now in a few days I get to go to court to have to look at his face and listen to his lies against me when all I want to do is cry out the words, "why, why, why? What did I ever do to you to not care so much to where you are lying your head off to satisfy a jealous, insecure apparantly gf?"  


So...another lesson in life is learned. I try my best to guard myself from caring that much about someone, and it's a very hard thing to not care. I reflect back and all it's been it seems is me putting 100% in whatever I do and always getting screwed over. No matter how hard I try to be not pushy, act like I don't care, etc,... and I still get the same results. 


This too shall pass....just will take time and sorting out that people are people. It never changes. Guard your heart. Don't get to involved and think you mean something cause most cases, the truth comes out...and you won't like the results.

Maybe my next post will be a more positive and uplifting one. Sorry.